Fast-track

It’s different for everyone but I can never remember desperately wanting a child or even reaching a point when I knew for definite that I really wanted one or not. Myself and my husband had a great life together. Madly in love and having fun, we hadn’t talked about having kids much before. Although it was something I sort of always assumed I’d do one day in the future (the far-off imaginary future that exists when you’re younger). The decision to have our daughter came about in response to a sudden trauma.

In the midst of our happy life together, Danny was diagnosed with cancer. A large tumour ‘the size of a tennis ball’ posed the very real threat that he might have suddenly been handed a death sentence. There’s a two-week fast-track to be seen by a specialist when they suspect you have cancer. I dread to think it’s probably much longer for people now. Test results would confirm whether it was advanced and potentially terminal or treatable. It literally felt like his life was hanging in the balance as we waited. 

It’s almost unbearable to think about it now and I feel sick writing this. I faced losing the love of my life and every single dream or aspiration for the future seemed to have been cruelly snatched away. I desperately tried to remain strong to support him through it but my anxiety got the better of me and I crumbled. I had a complete breakdown. My anxiety felt like a white hot metal rod was being driven into the centre of my chest and for a long time afterwards, felt like it left a gaping hole. The life that we had so gleefully imagined ahead of us seemed gone. The wait for information was truly torture.

Thankfully (a gratitude I will carry with me forever), the form of cancer Danny had meant that it was relatively straight-forward to remove, via key-hole surgery and that he didn’t have to follow it up with any chemo or after treatment. Other than an adjustment to his diet and operation recovery time, with the hope that nothing had spread. The day the doctor called to confirm that he was cancer-free was, as you can imagine, one of such immense relief that I often think of it; a gratitude for life, which will never leave me.

Did I mention, we also moved into our new house in the middle of all this? It was only a week or so after Danny’s surgery so he was under strict instructions to not lift a single thing. But with the miraculous help of family and friends - a convoy of cars shifting boxes across the city - we made it to our new home. Quite a crazy few months, in retrospect. Literally weeks later we were pregnant. 

I never expected it to happen so soon but it felt just right. I recognise how incredibly lucky we were to get pregnant so quickly too. I’ve never failed to appreciate that. Especially now, as I see close friends go through IVF and all the heartbreak of fertility issues. In retrospect, we were probably both still reeling from what had just happened to Danny and slightly traumatised as we headed into this new experience as expectant parents. But it also motivated us massively to move on and to really understand what life is all about. Our unwavering love for one another, how grateful we were to get a second chance and gaining that necessary perspective required to let all the little things go. I still try and keep that perspective with me to this day. Health and family is everything. Nothing else really matters.

June 2023