Bump!

Now you’re probably going to hate me but, all the general worries aside, I absolutely loved being pregnant! There, I said it. I know for a lot of women it can be the hard bit and if it was for you, I genuinely take my hat off to you, bow down at your feet with admiration and sympathy. ‘We’re not worthy!’ Wayne’s World stylee. You’re a warrior and your body has been ravaged by the mind-blowing process of growing a human-being inside of you. Bravo! Big hugs, fist bump.

But yeah, I felt at my very best. It was one of the reasons I suddenly developed the confidence that I could actually maintain a healthy pregnancy to full-term, because my body seemed to respond so positively, like it was assuring me, from the inside out, that it was indeed possible. Don’t get me wrong, there were the usual drawbacks; a little bit of morning sickness early doors and later gestational diabetes (not fun having to prick your finger three times a day and it ruined the prospect of ‘eating for two’). Plus cramp at night so bad that I would wake up screaming and Danny would jump up in panic, convinced I was going into labour. Other than that, I was pretty lucky because my skin cleared, my hair went thick and glossy and I had proper boobs (normally flat-chested, what a thrill)! 

I also loved my bump, as soon as it was visible. I remember our daughter started kicking when Danny and myself were away on holiday in New York, on sort of a pre-baby celebratory trip. It was also on that trip that Danny proposed to me in the middle of Central Park, one of my favourite places in the world and one of the best moments of my life! But anyway, back to the baby. She was kicking and that well and truly BLEW. MY. MIND. Still does, everyday, even now she’s school age. I don’t think as a parent you ever get over that mind-melting thought, nor are you supposed to. They will forever be a walking magical miracle. A daily reminder of how wild and wonderful it is to bring another life into this world. 

I still miss being pregnant, having that intense emotional connection with my baby inside the womb but also the connection with my own body; truly loving and celebrating it for the first time in my life. It was definitely part of my subsequent postnatal depression that I was mourning the loss of my pregnancy and the way I had felt during that time, even when it resulted in the birth of a healthy child. I also had a complete disconnect with my baby, when she first arrived, probably in part, due to the C-section. I instantly started breast-feeding and did all the things I was supposed to but I regret that she didn’t feel like my baby straight away. I certainly didn’t feel the emotional connection I’d experienced interacting with my bump. After the C-section, I experienced phantom kicking, which is actually quite common and usually down to trapped wind, I think, but at the time I felt like I was going mad. For a new mournful mum, it was a little unsettling, like I was still carrying my baby and they’d brought out someone else instead.

It’s quite a come-down after pregnancy, one I gather all women experience in some way and something that so few new mums are actually prepared for. I know I wasn’t. I think I was still genuinely sold on the vision of calmly breast-feeding your perfect little bundle, wearing a crisp white shirt, full make-up and looking out wistfully into the sunshine. I was looking forward to my maternity leave, a year ‘off’ to relax and indulge in my new life as a content and assured new mum. I knew there would be a few sleepless nights but I thought - I can do that - how hard can it be?! Oh. Really hard.

July 2023